For Immediate Release: Big East Conference Headquarters
Want to see exotic Omaha? Been dreaming of that Covington airport?!? Do you have, more than anything, a deep and undying desire to see yourself on television, whatever the cost? The Big East has an opportunity for you. Starting today, we are accepting applications for new officials. You’ll sort of learn the rules, get to watch great basketball up close, and stare slack jawed as players protest your obvious incompetence!
Are you tired of working jobs that insist you get things right? Do you wish that no matter how demonstrably awful you were there was no chance you would ever lose a job? Does The Man demanding that you have more than a 50% success rate really bum you out? Always wanted a thankless job that you can somehow make unsympathetic? Just keep reading, because we have the job for you!
Our conference is looking for a full time basketball official. If you are interested in working in an group that focuses on drawn out reviews, face time on tv, and a great team environment, please call the Big East Conference at for an interview. No experience is necessary!
Applicants must be willing to travel from New York to Omaha and all places in between. During these trips across the Mideast and Midwest you will be required to make the occasional stop to officiate a basketball game. Brian O’Connell will be your mentor as you learn haw to feign the vaguest amount of interest early in games before simply letting yourself be swept along by the crowd later.
Officials must make sure that balls are properly inflated, the court is regulation (beware, one venue is a literal barn), and the rims are at the correct level. Other responsibilities include a half hour tour of the arena early in the day to learn exactly where the television cameras are. Spending some time bonding (read: buying drinks) with the announcers so they never criticize your calls is an absolute must. Referees must also be willing to eat too many carbs and trans fats so as to cultivate the slightly dumpy look that the conference demands.
Applicants must be able to identify:
- Collin Gillespie
- Villanova jerseys
- A basketball, I guess
- TV cameras at all times
- The best ways to kill momentum
Applicants must know:
- Some of the rules of basketball, but certainly not all
- How to make a dramatic gesture
- Collin Gillespie’s birthday
- The betting line on every game
- How to mentally flip a coin to make block/charge calls
Applicants must have:
- About 15 pounds of holiday weight all year
- Absolutely no self-respect
- An abiding desire to be on television. Remember, they came to see you!
- At least one Collin Gillespie poster on their bedroom wall
- No actual experience
- No history of job competence
The less actual basketball you have watched, the better. We would prefer applicants that have no understanding of game flow, how athletic players are now, or what might constitute traveling.
Please send completed applications to
If you don’t have that newfangled email, and why would you, pull out your flip phone and call us at 1-800-IMB-LIND or drop a letter in the mail!