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10 reasons to drop your pants in a bar: A defense of JP Macura

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There are so many reasons that your butt can end up exposed in a bar. Truly, JP was just the inadvertent offender in a terrible and humiliating accident.

Kim Klement-USA TODAY Sports

You're out with a few friends for a few drinks in your local watering hole. You know the situation: guys (or girls) telling the same stories, getting the same laughs, and generally enjoying themselves like groups of friends do. Out of the corner of your eye though, you catch something, a commotion. When you turn your gaze fully in that direction you see something that certainly wasn't a part of the plans for the evening, a set of pasty white male buttocks. "What on earth," you query the group, "would make someone get his butt out in a bar?"

This is the crime of which JP Macura aka Myles Fox Morrissey aka The Minnesota Miscreant stands accused, and I'm here to tell you he is most likely completely innocent.* You see, there is no good reason to expose oneself in a bar unless you are an, ah, entertainer in a sense in which JP most certainly isn't. So what misfortune could have befallen our fair haired basketballing hero that caused him to suddenly find himself in that most embarrassing of situations: without pants in a public place? So mortified was JP that he couldn't even bring himself to tell the police who he actually was. Here's the top 10 most likely reasons the poor lad was so suddenly and inadvertently left in such a compromising position.

A bee

Anyone who has been stung by a bee knows how uncomfortable it is. Speaking from personal experience, there's no amount of gyrating and clothing shedding that won't occur if a stinging insect should find its way inside the fabric. On a warm day and with the sugar of alcohol heavy in the air, it's not at all out of the question that a bee lodged itself in JP's pants. No one wants to be stung anywhere that pants protect, so, panic stricken, JP probably just threw his pants aside in an attempt to avoid such a painful incident.

A hokey-pokey accident

Who doesn't love the hokey-pokey? Trick question, no one loves the hokey pokey. However, with the right about of libations and goading from friends, many people have taken part in it. The hokey-pokey is not a traditional dance in Minnesota like it is amongst the crowd that drinks Natty Light and Budweiser at weddings, so imagine JP's horror when he learned that getting your left hip out doesn't mean getting it all the way out.

Forgot a belt

The season is over and practice intensity isn't what it was. A few extra pounds have come on and now those jeans are slipping just a bit down from where they should be. A belt would hold them in place just fine, but sometimes one forgets a belt in the rush to leave the room. No matter, so long as there isn't prolonged sitting and then an abrupt stand, those jeans will continue to be the faithful soldiers they always have been. Two hours into Mug Club though, and JP leaps up for his turn to get rounds. Oops.

An inebriated friend

Everyone has that clown friend who still thinks it's junior high. This guy still makes flatulence noises with his armpit, makes prank calls even though everyone can see his number, and has a full repertoire of jokes about mothers. Tops in his arsenal, though, remains the classic pantsing of an unsuspecting friend. As an adult, this isn't quite as funny. It's actually a crime. Poor JP.

Trying to bring back a style

Drooping was really cool back in the early 2000s. Perhaps JP just misses the halcyon days when showing the world your underwear was was considered fashionable (I don't know, we were young). In a world of hipsters with their ironic skinny jeans, ironic beards, ironic flannels, and ironic facial expressions, JP alone chose to stand up and say that wearing pants way too low was still all the rage. Unfortunately, he forgot the very vital part of drooping, making sure your skivvies don't get hung up on something when you stand up.

Over-twerking

Should JP have been twerking? Of course not. But sometimes when you start to get that money maker working, the pants can migrate south. Young Macura was so certain that his bouncing it was about to make someone throw a couple thousand that he just didn't notice. Don't twerk, kids, it can lead to crime.

Forgetfulness

Some local drinking establishments don't have bathroom attendants to get the door, hand you a towel and, you know, remind you to pull your pants back up. Someone as classy as JP seems to be almost always frequents places with an attendant, so without the reminder he was just a horrible accident waiting to happen. I wonder if he felt the draft before he heard the screams. Either way, it must have been so humiliating.

Taking the fall for a friend

The most noble of all the reasons on this list, and almost certainly what actually happened.** The golf team was getting rowdy as JP frantically crammed to catch up on the classes he missed while still soaking in the convivial atmosphere he so loved. When the swell of noise finally overwhelmed the soothing sounds of the Fleet Foxes in JPs Beats, he looked up. IS THAT M-FOX's BUTT? JP knew his friend from Tennessee couldn't take the shame. When the police arrived he didn't raise his sword, he fell on it.

JPs run ended at just the wrong place

When the weather gets nice every college is suddenly packed with students trying to reclaim those summer bodies before Instagram demands that more skin be shown in all those pictures from Starbucks (You got coffee? How special!) and beach vacations. JP isn't immune to such pressures, and as he pulled up in front of RP McMurphy's to catch his breath, he dropped his hands to his knees. That downward drag on the bottom of the shorts can lead to issues in the back though, and from there it was only a matter of time.

A medical checkup

Sometimes things go wrong even in the most embarrassing of places. It's far easier to ask a friend for a check-up than it is to talk to a medical professional that you barely know. JP's fear that he had pulled the largest muscle in the body just wouldn't go away until he had someone take a look at it. Was a bar the best place for that? Probably not, but being in a comfortable environment is important when discussing medical conditions. Sadly, one patron glancing the wrong way can ruin even the most innocuous of gluteal inspections.


*Not actually. Please don't take this rather obviously not serious article as a defense of spontaneous non-consensual nudity.

** Nope.