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Jalen Reynolds and the Technical Foul: A Children's Tale

When a misunderstood monster looks like he's having fun, there's only one thing to do.

Vincent Carchietta-USA TODAY Sports

If you've run out of bedtime tales to read to your children, you're in luck. Fresh from the minds of the officials of college basketball comes a new story of a misunderstood monster and a very secret way of fighting him off. Guaranteed to infuriate all ages!

Deep in the south of Ohio there is a city called Cincinnati. In that city is a special place called the Cintas Center where some of the cities bravest knights, called Musketeers, gather to hang out. But, aside from just terrible chili, the city and that special place have a dark secret. Yes, children, not all is as it seems in the city by the muddy river.

Deep in the heart of the Cintas Center, in a place where only the Musketeers know for sure, is a ferocious beast known as the Jalenmonster. The Jalenmonster is taller than any of the Musketeers, is very fast, can jump higher than a full size man, and has strange drawings all over his skin. The Jalenmonster travels with the Musketeers but only a man with no hair and whose ties occasionally don't coordinate well with his shirt can control him.

One sunny and very warm Sunday in February the Jalenmonster and all his friends got on an airplane to fly to a place called New Jersey. New Jersey was an ok place, but recently some Pirates had made a camp there. The Musketeers and the Pirates met on a floor made all out of wood to have a battle to see who would be the best. The Musketeers and the Pirates weren't the only ones there though, there was another group called the Referees.

The Referees are a strange breed easily distinguished by their black and white shirts and their constant desire to make everything about them. Do you have a little sister, kids? Referees are like them only not cute and not ever fun to play with. The Referees are also very scared of the Jalenmonster. They don't know where it gets it's power or why it looks like it has stuffed bowling balls in its arms. They think the Jalenmonster might be very bad.

The battle between the Musketeers and the Pirates was not going very well for the brave knights from Cincinnati. The Pirates were running very quickly and the New Jersey air made the Musketeers feel like they were getting sick. The Musketeers knew they would need their friend the Jalenmonster to use his superpowers if they were going to win, but there were some Referees around, and the Jalenmonster wasn't sure he should come out to play.

Then it happened! Some Musketeers were finally running fast, almost like they cared for the first time all day, when the magic orange ball bounced over to the Jalenmonster. The Jalenmonster grabbed the magic ball and began to fly high in the air! He flew over (and sort of through) a Pirate who kind of appeared to be set. The Jalenmonster kept going up and up until he slammed the magic ball through a hoop he found high in the sky. The Jalenmonster and his friends were very happy!

The Jalenmonster was so happy that he roared! His roar made his friends seem even more happy and they all jumped up and down. The Referees heard all the commotion and saw all the laughing and knew this would never do. The Jalenmonster threw the magic ball up at the hoop again and then held up his bowling ball arms. He was having fun! The Jalenmonster thought maybe if he could get the ball again he could have even more fun, so he ran at some Pirates who had it.

There were Referees standing near the Pirates and they saw the Jalenmonster running over. As he got closer he seemed to grow even bigger. The Referees could see that one of the pictures on his skin was of a city. Was this a city the Jalenmonster had destroyed? Did he smash all the buildings to the ground? DID HE EAT EVERYONE ALIVE!?!?! The Referees were terrified of what might happen next.


(Is this just a snack?)

Then, they remembered. The Referees had a secret way to defeat the Jalenmonster. If they just made sure that everyone was looking at one of them instead of something interesting, they could make a special sign with their hands and the Jalenmonster would have to go away. He was getting closer now, and there was no time to lose. One of the Referees started blowing on a whistle so everyone looked his way. He blew some more just to make that seriously everyone was looking. He then blew just a little more, just in case maybe it had been a commercial break or there was one mostly deaf little old lady not paying attention to the chunky man in the weird stripes. Then, just before the Jalenmonster could do whatever awful thing he was going to do, the Referee made the special sign.

Lightining cracked! Thunder rumbled! The Referees hands made a T. The Jalenmonster stopped running. He did not like the T at all. The Musketeers came running over to by the Jalenmonster. They to saw the T and were very sad. The Referees were happier now. The pointed to the man with no hair and told him to put the Jalenmonster away.

The Jalenmonster was not having fun anymore. Neither were his friends. Even the Pirates seemed a little confused. The Jalenmonster walked slowly to a special place where the T sign made him sit. He looked very sad. The man with no hair talked to the Jalenmonster, but he couldn't make him happy. The Jalenmonster just wanted to fly with the magic orange ball some more, but the Referees would not let him. They laughed and pointed and walked out from where they had been standing to make sure everyone could see them.

The Jalenmonster put a towel on his head and looked down. He remembered flying and laughing with his teammates. He wondered if maybe his roar scared people, but he just did it because he was having fun. One tear ran down his cheek. A Referee looked over. "Maybe," he thought, "the Jalenmonster isn't so bad after all. Maybe he just likes to have fun, too." Then the Referee forgot about that ridiculous idea and reminded himself to make the T at the Jalenmonster sooner the next time.

The End.